How do you fix feeling like a bad person?

I have a few friends, and it seems each one of them are pregnant. At least, my pregnant ones out number the non-pregnant ones. I'm so very happy for them. I really do wish them all the joy with the pregnancy. At the same time it breaks my heart. I see the progression and the joy of doctors appointments, ultrasounds, pictures, shopping, registries, picking out names, and the many other things they are doing and it's hard. I sometimes find myself in tears and I feel so awful about it. I am so very happy for them and I can't understand how I can be upset when I should be so happy for them.

I haven't figured out yet if it's the meds I'm on or if I'm just crazy yet, but my moods are all over the place. I can be incredibly depressed for a few hours and then jump up and be happy and playful. This stuff just really gets me down and I'm trying to work through it and hoping everyday for a miracle.

We have to begin somewhere

Lets start somewhere. I'm Tasha, I'm 25 and I have PCOS. My husband Patrick, 26, and I have been trying for two and a half years to conceive a child. It's been a long and bumpy road, and it's not over.

I noticed something wrong after about a year of trying. I wasn't paying too much attention since I was on birth control. I figured that it would take some time to get my hormones back to normal so the negative tests weren't such a big surprise. At the time Patrick was in AIT and we were moving every six months and I attributed this to some of our difficulty. After a year and 3 different states we settled down at a duty station. I figured I would give it some more time and see how it went since our lives were less turbulent. After four months I ended up in the ER with severe pain in my lower abdomen. After sitting there for two hours the doctor comes in and asks me a couple of questions. She looks at me and says "you have a ruptured cyst." and walks out. I'm sitting there confused. I've never had such a thing. I was in the doctor's office a year before in San Antonio with the same pain which was determined to be a urinary tract infection. I remember just sitting there wondering what this meant, what were they going to do about it, does this have something to do with me not getting pregnant, and many many other questions. A nurse came back with literature, and some prescriptions and sent me on my way. I went and got my prescriptions which consisted of an antibiotic and a pain killer. I started reading my papers while waiting and it stated that I schedule a check-up with my primary doctor. The next day I was on the phone to my doctor. I was quickly seen and sent for testing. He was very honest in telling me he was unfamiliar with this kind of stuff but suspected it was PCOS. I received my ultrasound to see about cysts. It was inconclusive due to the fact that I had just had a rupture. I was placed on thyroxin in the mean time until he figured things out.

By February 2010 I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was placed on Metformin to try and get me to ovulate and lose some weight. I tried it for three months and I couldn't do it anymore. At this point I was working anywhere between 35 and 45 hours a week as a front end manager at a local grocery store. The Metformin had it's side effects and they weren't pretty. I had the nausea and the diarrhea. I couldn't work and run the store at night with these symptoms. I ended the metformin on my own and informed my doctor. My doctor didn't want to see my until August, which was 6 months later to see if there was any progress. In about July I was a little sick of waiting and trying. The negative tests were starting to take their toll on me. I called the doctor and seen about getting a referral to an OBGYN. I felt more comfortable talking to someone who was more knowledgeable about PCOS. I was seen by a different doctor who was also uneducated about the syndrome. She granted me the referral and told me to call back in two weeks. I wait and call back. The woman on the appointment line informs me I was being referred to the fertility clinic at Walter Reed and I needed to wait for that referral to go through. In about a week I call and I have an appointment at Walter Reed.

I head to Walter Reed and speak with a doctor there. I was so pleased with her knowledge and her approach. She laid out this large, complex plan that seemed very aggressive. She did an exam and left the room to talk with her superior. She comes back and tells me that we are just doing some blood work, a semen sample on Patrick and then do an HSG. The HSG is a procedure where they insert a scope into your cervix through the vagina and inject a dye. The watch the movement of the dye on an imaging machine to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes. I have this procedure done in early October. I was worried about it because they were having me wait for my own period to come. This is a rare occurance. When it finally came I tried scheduling my appointment. The appointment I needed was on a holiday. I wanted to sit and cry. My husband comes home and informs me that I have an appointment in two weeks. I was so happy. I had this test done and everything came back normal.

I see my doctor again in November. She prescribes a round of Clomid at 50mg with timed intercourse. Then a blood test on day 23 to see if I ovulated on the Clomid. I was lucky enough to get my period the next month and started the Clomid. We did everything as prescribed and ended the month with a negative test. I did ovulate, but no resulting pregnancy. I called the doctor to see where we go from here. She prescribed two more months at 50mg and timed intercourse. I'm on month 2 of the Clomid now. I've learned that I ovulate late with the Clomid. It's happening on day 22-23 and timed intercourse is days 10-20 every other day, so we tweaked it a bit. I'm noticing the ovulation and the cramping a lot more now. I was placed on thyroxin again to lower my thyroid level to 2.5 for TTC. So far nothing, but I have about a week and a half before my period should start so we are on our toes waiting. I don't think it has happened this time. I'm feeling the same I did last month. My PMS symptoms are intensified and my mood swings are all over the place. My poor husband has a lot on his plate. I feel terrible for being so moody and in such a bad mood constantly. He's being a great sport.

So here is to another month with my clomid cycle and my thyroxin dose. Hoping everyday for a miracle.